More Illness

So, this past year I had over 50 blood tests done to try and pinpoint why I’ve made a rapid decline. The blood tests showed abnormalities in one category, but was told it could just be normal for me and that we’ll gave to wait and see if more symptoms arise. As if I wasn’t suffering enough already… My life has been taken from me. I just thought I was tired before. Boy was I wrong. My exhaustion has increased what feels like tenfold. The sores in my nose and mouth, the itchy skin/random rashes, the overwhelming sense of impending doom, my hair loss… Just when I thought I was on the road to a better understanding of me a new parade of symptoms mows down what I’ve built.

It’s very hard for me to accept that I’ll be this way the rest of my life. The diabetes? For some reason I could handle that; yeah, okay, cool. But the fibromyalgia and the wait for my lupus diagnosis? I can’t handle this. I’m trying to work, but everyday seems to become more and more difficult. It doesn’t help I’m one person doing the job of two on top of my disabilities. It’s crushing. All I want to do is lay down and go to sleep…for a really long time.

The brain fog is consuming me. I’ve tried opening my locker with the key fob, I’ll be driving and completely forget where I am, or even when I’m shopping, I won’t remember what I’ve eaten or done, I’ll be mid-sentence and forget what I was talking about. The repercussions this may have on my job are terrifying. I manage inventory for the highest shrink department…this ISN’T good. CODE RED. I REPEAT, CODE RED.

I wish I understood why the doctor and practioner wanted to wait for more symptoms before furthering treatment. I just want to be well; or as well as I can be for me. I’m about ready to quit. Quit my job…quit life… I’m just tired to simply put it. Tired and in (A LOT) of pain and confusion.

Advertisements

2017…

I lost three people. Three. My father in law, my grandfather and my paternal grandmother. I found out my mother kept me from my biological father my entire life. He’s still alive and a quadriplegic. That was how I started my year last year. When will life learn that no matter how many times I’m knocked down I get right back up? One of these days I’m going to knock it the hell out.

Although because of these things I got to travel a lot, it wasn’t my favorite reason at all. It did give me the opportunity to spend time with our family and even see a friend I hadn’t seen in over 10 years. I even got to meet a couple celebrities. Life throws you curveballs all the time. I just seem to get more than the average person. Last year my department teammate went to jail. I now run inventory for that department all by myself. You know, the department that has the highest shrink of stores? That one. Life is sh*t. Life can also be beautiful. I try so very hard to remember this. I talk to God a lot. I talk to my grandfather a lot. I talk to my father in law a lot. Every experience in your life, whether positive or negative, bends you, breaks you, shapes you and molds you into the person that you are. Don’t let it consume you. Don’t let it defeat you. Stand tall in knowing that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. By now, I should be immortal. I stay on my toes. Watching. Waiting.

Some days I wonder if the reason I spend most of my days behind teary eyes is that I’m trying my best to obscure reality for myself. I haven’t accepted anything that has happened in this past year. It’s hard for me to; it’s been really rough. I do have to say working 40 hours a week at (almost) my highest wage yet is pretty nice. Within the next couple of weeks, I’m hoping to invest in my first asset. Fingers crossed. Although I’ve worked hard, I may still need help.

I’m hoping 2018 treats my family better.

 

xoxo Kitty ❤

Damnit…

So, of course, the domain name I had chosen is taken. .Com is taken, .net, .org, .nu….. But, when you go to the address they don’t come up with anything and I’m most certainly not going to put an offer in for $150 on it. Just not happening. So, domain plans have changed for now.

In other news, just as lonely as ever. Just as bored as ever. By the time I go to work Tuesday morning I will have had a week off. I can’t live like this. All I do is sit up here like a prisoner or outcast whom no one ever wants to do anything with. Honestly, why am I even here anymore? It’s exhausting just sitting here doing nothing. It’s weird how that works, but that’s how it is. At least for me. It’s funny how people always say yeah, we should do this or that, but never follow up with you. I don’t have time for it anymore. I guess I’d rather be alone than deal with that crap.

While just sitting here for an entire week, I have made use of myself and filled out more applications as they’ve become available. I’m going to have to learn to keep my mouth shut at work until I learn my fate. I should be getting a little raise at my job. We’ll see. I love my boss a lot, and my co-workers, but I can’t help what life is throwing at me. It’s always something. Something always drew me back here and then his father died. Now everything keeps calling me back the other way. I’m so confused it’s almost painful. I feel split in two on everything. I don’t know which path to take. I almost want to take neither and pave my own path. Into the forest. Away from everyone. Forever. So yeah, there’s that.

I try diligently to trust my heart and instinct. Every time I get kicked down for it. I try to trust the good in people. I try to give people a chance. I try to give life a chance. It just doesn’t work; very rarely, if ever. People fail me. I fail myself. I lose hope and get discouraged. I was beaten down for 8 years and was never fully able to stand back up. Just when you think you have a handle on things and you try to better your life something comes along and gives you a swift kick. I wish I had more encouragement in my life. More positivity. Anytime I try to discuss things with the people in my life whose opinions I value I’m met with criticism and negativity. So, me trying to tackle my problems seems pointless. That’s how I can avoid it all is just by keeping it all in. Letting it fester and then explode in tears and frustration later when I’m alone. Rinse and repeat.

Just once. Just once I want something for me to go positive. Get into school. Land that job I’ve always wanted. Get the CGM. But, there is a common factor in all of this. Me. It starts with me. But when starting something, I always start with being hopeful and positive and then one by one something takes it all away. When I think about everything that’s happened in the last 4 years I always think back, “Well, if they had just offered me that position none of this would have ever happened…” And it’s true. Had I just been offered that position I would not have had to face all the problems I have. It’s sad, but it is the cold, hard truth. And honest to God I wish I just knew why I wasn’t supposed to work there.

And that’s my life’s rant for the day. More posts to come featuring diabetes and blackberry pie. Separate posts. They are in NO way related to each other. You know, for all you, “hahah I love to tag my food pictures with ‘#diabetes’.” *glare*

The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.
— Marcus Aurelius

Staying Put

It’s hard to be in one place for an extended period of time when your heart lies in so many different places. It’s as if before I was created my soul was shattered and scattered throughout this Earth. Maybe I’m not meant to stay still. Maybe I’m meant to forever wander and explore.

Just days off thoughts… and on that note, I think I have chosen my domain name. ❤

Streamer and Viewer Etiquette

Viewers Respecting Couples

I felt I should address this. And not just because I had an issue almost a week ago, but because I think it’s an issue that’s not often talked about. At least the issue I had to deal with, but also other issues streamers and viewers alike face. I realize, if your viewer count is so high, you can’t catch and address everything and things are going to happen, but it was pretty much me, the suspect, my husband and a couple of the guys he was in voice chat with at the time watching.

I’d like to start off by saying I am not a jealous person. There are lines you don’t cross when it comes to couples. You just don’t. There are things you don’t say to someone’s partner. And there are definitely things the partner should and shouldn’t do in those situations. I thought, at least, it was an unspoken rule, but what do I know? When you’re watching someone stream (regardless of whether or not you know they are in a committed relationship), you shouldn’t assume that they aren’t and start flirting. Now, the thing for me about the situation is I’m almost 100% positive this individual KNEW that my husband is, in fact, my husband. She had been in the chat before while he has streamed, most certainly when I’ve been in there or even when I’ve been in the same room with him while he was streaming.

Before she had mentioned him being her husband, she had said, “*swoons* that smile…” Although that irked me a bit, I let it pass. It’s a compliment, truly to both he and I. I know I have a handsome husband. TRUST me. He is beyond drool worthy. Though it kind of stuck a knife in me when he gave the screen the look he gives me when I say I love you or make a cute comment towards him. So, to me, he was responding in a way I felt only I should illicit that response. When the certain things afterward were said my husband responded, “I’m already someone’s husband.” Yet, she continued. So if she didn’t know before, she knew then, yet she still continued which was highly disrespectful. I didn’t say anything but merely responded with a couple angry emoji. She then proceeded to tell me nothing was going to happen because we didn’t live near each other. Oh, thanks for that reassurance and creep level. I’m sorry, how do you know where we live again? I didn’t respond, I just banned her. She got her panties in a knot from what I could tell from voice chat. I guess she lives in the same house as another streamer my husband was in a voice chat with. Another person from the voice chat called me a jealous “person.” He had to censor himself as to not piss off my husband. Others said I needed to “Get the f*ck over it.” as it’s going to happen and it’s inevitable. Well, yes, and that’s why if I’m there to take care of the situation I’m going to if it goes beyond what it should. Especially after the individual was told by my husband that he was taken. Later my husband unbanned her, which is not something that made me happy. She probably does not realize she has been unbanned, but we’ll see what happens.

I don’t know what it is about other females that feel the need to do this sort of thing. It’s so disrespectful. I have been cheated on before, so it really is something I’m quick to address.

I trust my husband fully. 100%. I do NOT, however, trust most other females.  It’s sad to me people feel comfortable doing this, even after being told that the person is taken. I did address the situation with my husband privately and told him how it made me feel. If you’re experiencing something of this likeness I would NOT fly off the handle, I wouldn’t do something to try and make him jealous back and I definitely wouldn’t accuse him of anything before analyzing the situation. Now, if you catch them in the act of something then that’s a given, but in cases like these, it’s better to handle it calmly. In my case, this was the first time something like this has happened that I’m aware of and there are some things that upset me I haven’t felt the need to address yet that have nothing to do with what happened that night. If I was an insecure individual I would have said something by now. At any rate, if the topic comes up somehow I will say something. It’s just not a pressing issue. Everyone has different comfort levels in a relationship and it’s best that both partners respect each others comfort levels to a resonable extent.

What are your thoughts on this? Social media or in person, has this ever happened to you? How did you handle it?

This Week

This week could not drag itself out any longer. Honestly. Even though the only reason I don’t want it to end is that I’m kind of enjoying just laying here in my misery. Hah. I wish it to go quicker so I can work more. I only worked 4 hours this week and it’s killing me. At least today was payday. Not that I have anything to spend my money on nor do I have the desire to do so. I mean, yeah, sure, there are things I’d like to buy, but actually buying them? No, thanks. At least when I get close to spending my money I get that deep-seated guilty feeling that eats my soul alive and I never end up going through with it.

The love and I have been trying to make plans to watch the eclipse. We’d like to see it in totality. He should get his new vacation time right before it, so we’re hoping we can have a little weekend together in a month. Then a month after that I have a doctor’s appointment. Who’s to say I’ll still keep getting hours week after next? I pray I do. Or I pray I get a call back from another potential employer with better pay and hours. Wouldn’t hurt my feelings if I got a full-time job and just worked some overnights or weekends at my current job.

I really love my current job. I’ve got the best boss a girl could ask for and my co-workers are nice, too. That discount is pretty sweet as well. Looking to go back to uni, but I don’t know where. And with saving money, selling the house and moving so much is up in the air I don’t know if I want to put that on my plate right now. I did, however, find my SAT scores. Let me tell you, I was actually kind of surprised. I was so hard on myself when I first got them 10 years ago. Or, at least, that’s how others made me feel about myself. I scored higher than most who took the SAT. I graduated high school with an advanced studies diploma. I was a part of Key Club and the National Art Honors Society. I may not have been a straight A student, but I fully had the capability to be one and it made my teachers so mad. They knew I was mad brilliant, but just never put forth the effort. 10 years later, of course, I feel I’ve wasted myself. Better late than never I suppose.

I’m just ready to sell our house and move into a new one. I feel like everything in my life is on hold because of this. I know I’ve said it before, but it weighs on me heavily.

Honestly though?

Life is weird. There’s just no way I can believe we are put on this Earth to struggle and die. OR in my case, struggle, almost die, struggle some more, almost die a couple more times and struggle and then actually die. There’s got to be more to life than this, seriously. It’s not just me though. There’s a lot of people on this Earth that feel that way. We are all fighting our own battles. Some fight battles someone else may think they’d much rather be going through, others are going through things we would never want to face.

Dealing with death and missing work really took its toll on me. And hardly getting hours when I got back didn’t help. I told my boss I was going to have to leave. I’m getting so little hours I can only afford the gas to get back and forth to work. He’s been so busy we didn’t really get to talk about it. I came in Saturday and he was eating lunch in the breakroom. He asked me if I really wanted to leave. I told him I didn’t have much of a choice. He continued asking me how many hours he’d have to give me for me to stay. In the end, I told him it really wasn’t up to me. With my father being forced to retire and I can’t help anymore, there’s no point in me being here. If I got more hours than sure, maybe, but I have other things I need to pay for too now. Of course this week I worked one shift, 4 and a half hours. That’s it. I’m off until at least Sunday.

I’m tired of the struggle. I’m tired of being overwhelmed by my disease. Tired of my bloodwork coming back completely normal. No answers. None. Ever. At this point, I feel I’ll never find out what else is wrong with me. So damn frustrating. I know partially what’s wrong, but I can’t do much to fix that. It’s pretty much a waiting game.

In the meantime, I suppose I’ll still fill out applications and try and find something better while I better my life in other ways if I can. I need serious prayers. ❤