Honestly though?

Life is weird. There’s just no way I can believe we are put on this Earth to struggle and die. OR in my case, struggle, almost die, struggle some more, almost die a couple more times and struggle and then actually die. There’s got to be more to life than this, seriously. It’s not just me though. There’s a lot of people on this Earth that feel that way. We are all fighting our own battles. Some fight battles someone else may think they’d much rather be going through, others are going through things we would never want to face.

Dealing with death and missing work really took its toll on me. And hardly getting hours when I got back didn’t help. I told my boss I was going to have to leave. I’m getting so little hours I can only afford the gas to get back and forth to work. He’s been so busy we didn’t really get to talk about it. I came in Saturday and he was eating lunch in the breakroom. He asked me if I really wanted to leave. I told him I didn’t have much of a choice. He continued asking me how many hours he’d have to give me for me to stay. In the end, I told him it really wasn’t up to me. With my father being forced to retire and I can’t help anymore, there’s no point in me being here. If I got more hours than sure, maybe, but I have other things I need to pay for too now. Of course this week I worked one shift, 4 and a half hours. That’s it. I’m off until at least Sunday.

I’m tired of the struggle. I’m tired of being overwhelmed by my disease. Tired of my bloodwork coming back completely normal. No answers. None. Ever. At this point, I feel I’ll never find out what else is wrong with me. So damn frustrating. I know partially what’s wrong, but I can’t do much to fix that. It’s pretty much a waiting game.

In the meantime, I suppose I’ll still fill out applications and try and find something better while I better my life in other ways if I can. I need serious prayers. ❤

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