Damnit…

So, of course, the domain name I had chosen is taken. .Com is taken, .net, .org, .nu….. But, when you go to the address they don’t come up with anything and I’m most certainly not going to put an offer in for $150 on it. Just not happening. So, domain plans have changed for now.

In other news, just as lonely as ever. Just as bored as ever. By the time I go to work Tuesday morning I will have had a week off. I can’t live like this. All I do is sit up here like a prisoner or outcast whom no one ever wants to do anything with. Honestly, why am I even here anymore? It’s exhausting just sitting here doing nothing. It’s weird how that works, but that’s how it is. At least for me. It’s funny how people always say yeah, we should do this or that, but never follow up with you. I don’t have time for it anymore. I guess I’d rather be alone than deal with that crap.

While just sitting here for an entire week, I have made use of myself and filled out more applications as they’ve become available. I’m going to have to learn to keep my mouth shut at work until I learn my fate. I should be getting a little raise at my job. We’ll see. I love my boss a lot, and my co-workers, but I can’t help what life is throwing at me. It’s always something. Something always drew me back here and then his father died. Now everything keeps calling me back the other way. I’m so confused it’s almost painful. I feel split in two on everything. I don’t know which path to take. I almost want to take neither and pave my own path. Into the forest. Away from everyone. Forever. So yeah, there’s that.

I try diligently to trust my heart and instinct. Every time I get kicked down for it. I try to trust the good in people. I try to give people a chance. I try to give life a chance. It just doesn’t work; very rarely, if ever. People fail me. I fail myself. I lose hope and get discouraged. I was beaten down for 8 years and was never fully able to stand back up. Just when you think you have a handle on things and you try to better your life something comes along and gives you a swift kick. I wish I had more encouragement in my life. More positivity. Anytime I try to discuss things with the people in my life whose opinions I value I’m met with criticism and negativity. So, me trying to tackle my problems seems pointless. That’s how I can avoid it all is just by keeping it all in. Letting it fester and then explode in tears and frustration later when I’m alone. Rinse and repeat.

Just once. Just once I want something for me to go positive. Get into school. Land that job I’ve always wanted. Get the CGM. But, there is a common factor in all of this. Me. It starts with me. But when starting something, I always start with being hopeful and positive and then one by one something takes it all away. When I think about everything that’s happened in the last 4 years I always think back, “Well, if they had just offered me that position none of this would have ever happened…” And it’s true. Had I just been offered that position I would not have had to face all the problems I have. It’s sad, but it is the cold, hard truth. And honest to God I wish I just knew why I wasn’t supposed to work there.

And that’s my life’s rant for the day. More posts to come featuring diabetes and blackberry pie. Separate posts. They are in NO way related to each other. You know, for all you, “hahah I love to tag my food pictures with ‘#diabetes’.” *glare*

The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.
— Marcus Aurelius

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