Honestly though?

Life is weird. There’s just no way I can believe we are put on this Earth to struggle and die. OR in my case, struggle, almost die, struggle some more, almost die a couple more times and struggle and then actually die. There’s got to be more to life than this, seriously. It’s not just me though. There’s a lot of people on this Earth that feel that way. We are all fighting our own battles. Some fight battles someone else may think they’d much rather be going through, others are going through things we would never want to face.

Dealing with death and missing work really took its toll on me. And hardly getting hours when I got back didn’t help. I told my boss I was going to have to leave. I’m getting so little hours I can only afford the gas to get back and forth to work. He’s been so busy we didn’t really get to talk about it. I came in Saturday and he was eating lunch in the breakroom. He asked me if I really wanted to leave. I told him I didn’t have much of a choice. He continued asking me how many hours he’d have to give me for me to stay. In the end, I told him it really wasn’t up to me. With my father being forced to retire and I can’t help anymore, there’s no point in me being here. If I got more hours than sure, maybe, but I have other things I need to pay for too now. Of course this week I worked one shift, 4 and a half hours. That’s it. I’m off until at least Sunday.

I’m tired of the struggle. I’m tired of being overwhelmed by my disease. Tired of my bloodwork coming back completely normal. No answers. None. Ever. At this point, I feel I’ll never find out what else is wrong with me. So damn frustrating. I know partially what’s wrong, but I can’t do much to fix that. It’s pretty much a waiting game.

In the meantime, I suppose I’ll still fill out applications and try and find something better while I better my life in other ways if I can. I need serious prayers. ❤

A little chat…

Yesterday, I ran into an old co-worker at Target. I hadn’t seen her in awhile and she’s not on Facebook (that I’m aware of). She was always so sweet and intelligent. Always knew right what to say. When I saw her, I knew comfort was in my future. She asked me how I had been. The look on my face must have said it all judging by the change in her facial expression and opening of her arms. I softly said, “I’ve been better…my father-in-law passed away.” She began to tell me she knew all too well what I was going through. In 9 months she’s lost 5 family members, including her mother. My heart broke for her. We are all fighting battles. Some others may know nothing about. She told me I have to look at everything positively. Look at the bright side of things. They’re no longer suffering. They are our angels watching over us, guiding us. I told her how his brother told me about how he liked to sing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” in the car. It clicked. It slowly clicked in my head as he told me that. After he passed, on the way home from the hospital that song surfaced in my head. I thought it was interesting. Then when his brother told me that I knew that was him sending a message from Heaven, “I’m okay.”

I’m still struggling to find peace. It may take awhile. To be honest, I’m angry and don’t understand. It’s not fair. But, that conversation brought comfort. I’m not alone. I need to spend every second I can with family and friends; those I love. Life can become a blur. You keep meaning to see this person or call that person…before you know, it’s too late. Not a single one of us knows when our time is up. So, if you’ve been meaning to see someone or talk to someone, please do, before it’s too late.

Struggle Bus

Somewhere along the way I boarded the struggle bus and must have fallen asleep. I can’t seem to find my stop…

After a month of being out of work due to death and dealing with some diabetes upkeep, I’m really struggling financially. I was getting a decent amount of hours before I left and of course when I get back…BAM. Nothing. When I need the most of course. Partially I can blame myself. I have been applying for more and more jobs. Hoping to either land one I can work in addition to my current job or a better one that can replace my current job. I have debts I need to pay off. I’m working just enough to be able to afford the gas just to get to work, so yeah. On top of that, I’ve made just enough money on the side to pay for the little storage unit we have of my father-in-law’s things. If I become unable to pay for it at any point, I have nowhere to put them, which is a really scary prospect.

I tried to do DoTerra, but no one seemed interested in buying from me, so I canceled. Everyone is going APE over LuLaRoe, but I can’t afford the startup fee. I’ve thought about dropshipping as an option for additional income. I’ve unfortunately have had to sell some of my things to make ends meet. It sucks, but it is a necessary evil. I’ve applied at several places, outside of retail. I don’t feel I can do retail any longer. It’s the same damn thing, EVERY TIME. I either start off full-time for the first few months and then my hours drop off the face of the earth or I start off part-time with decent (part-time) hours and then what little I had disappear and I only get like 5 to 10 a week. I can’t do it anymore. And it is so hard finding two jobs that will work with each other. I usually get shat on by one and end up having to quit, which defeated the whole purpose of getting the second job in the first place. But, such is the life of retail.

Only time will tell I suppose. I just have to keep my head held high, pray, and stay positive. At least I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. ❤

Death

My father-in-law passed away. I feel a giant hole in my heart. I understand what led up to it, but I don’t want to accept it. It’s hard for me. Since the moment we left the hospital life has been go go go. I haven’t had time to grieve. My first day back to work was Monday. I did okay my first shift, but my second shift my sugars plummeted and I lost it. I went home and bawled my eyes out and slept for 8 hours. 

Just when life seems to be going well for me something happens. I’m not meant to be happy. I’m starting to accept that. That’s my fate. Being miserable and sick. I just want to run away from it all… I just want to dissapear. If it wasn’t for my fiance I’d 100% hate my life. I’m so sick of struggling. SO sick of it. I try and try to get more hours and get additional jobs and nothing. If I’m supposed to struggle just let me die. Damn. I hate feeling like this.

Going great, going great…*screeching*

Going not so great anymore…So everything was looking up. Went to my endocrinologist appointment, doctor agreed I should have the new pump, and CGM. Found out why my A1C went up and what I could change to bring it back to where it was. Told me they have infusion sites there and insulin if I ever run out. Got to see Brendon and clean up a little bit at the house. Get back, work the week everything’s going great, getting ready for my next take off. Mothers’ Day was awesome and then everything comes to a screeching halt on Monday…Brendon’s dad has had a stroke. First, the doctor said it didn’t look good. Today, half his body is responding, but only his lower half. I’m praying so hard he fully recovers and pulls through. We’re waiting 3 to 4 days for the body to absorb the blood and see if he wakes up.

I guess the plans for this weekend and my continuing care are still on. We will see. I hate this feeling of helplessness. I’m at such a loss…

My Appointment

Every morning I wake up, swing my feet over the edge of the bed and gently caressing my rug with my toes because one day I won’t be able to feel my feet anymore. I try to enjoy the sensations most of us take for granted daily because one day I won’t be able to feel the softness of my rug, the cool earth beneath me or the sand betwixt my toes. It’s a sad realization, but one I will try and overcome.

I have a doctor’s appointment soon. It will be my first endocrinology appointment in a VERY long time. As in, since Texas…. I haven’t gone that long without seeing a doctor, but not seeing an endo is pretty bad. I’m just glad I finally did it. I’m expecting the worse news since diagnosis, but hoping for the best. Every action has its consequence. I have only myself to blame.

Life has been pretty sucky still. At this point I feel, always have and always will. I have too much of an adventurous soul. I’m too finicky, too picky. Nothing will ever be perfect. Honestly, my disease doesn’t allow me the energy to complete some things anymore. It’s hard for me. The rare moments I have the energy I take way too much advantage of it and end up screwing myself for a week. Such is life for a spoonie warrior. Maybe we’ll find a cure. Maybe I won’t have to feel like death anymore.

I’m hoping to get a new pump and CGM. I’m praying hardcore for it. I need them so bad. The next month should prove to be pretty interesting. We’ll see what happens. 

Exhaustion

So much has happened in the last month. We finished setting up the store, opened 3 days earlier than anticipated, had our grand opening and ribbon cutting ceremony, a week of grand opening door busters, a sale every day after that and now the Make-a-Thon. I have been kept as permanent, and have been run around like a chicken with its head cut off. I also received a special award pin from corporate for taking such great care of our customers. No one has ever seen it before so I’m pretty stoked and proud of that. Everyone at work has pin envy. :]

Since the last post I’ve also had a couple meltdowns with my mother again, but so far everything seems to be okay for now. It’s been really tough for me. Sunday I went to my best friends bridal shower and came over to see their new house and pets. I had a lot of fun and I should be editing pictures, but I’ve been too tired to do it. I actually passed out for a couple hours when I got home today.

Since I’ve also taken another dispatch test and scored a 92. 😀 Pretty proud of that as well. I was invited to interview and had my interview on the 7th. I’m awaiting to hear back from the state.

I’ve also started a bullet journal. I got one off of Amazon (Leuchtturm1917). I adore it. I’ll make a separate blog post on it. There’s a lot I’d like to cover. For now, I’m gonna lay back, relax and watch my fiancee play WoW. ❤ Then, I’m gonna pass out. ✌