The Past Week

This week has been so emotionally and physically taxing on me. I’ve cried everyday. What little of myself that wasn’t broken is slowly falling to pieces. I’m dead inside. I’ve always managed to pick up the pieces before, but this time it’s different. 28 years. 28 years of my life I went without knowing my biological father because of her. The work I do has been incredibly overwhelming on top of everything personal I’ve been going through. Being away from Brendon exasperates everything exponentially. I’m in so much pain in every aspect you could imagine. Every morning I rise unwillingly to continue another day in this unfathomable hell. I just want to go far far away from here. I just want to disappear.

I’m trying to keep myself busy. As long as I have something to do it keeps my mind off the personal stuff. I’d rather be at work. I have two days off. I have no clue what to do with myself and it may end up getting me in trouble. I pray to God they call me in.

I don’t know what to do. What I feel is so indescribable. I can’t wait to get paid and do some retail therapy. I’m having an extremely hard time.

Hurt

In the last 36 hours I feel like I’ve had a hole punched through my chest. Things I can’t discuss through major social media for fear my mother will read it. The woman I know and love as my mother, hates me. She has for a very long time. Why, I’m not sure yet. But I don’t think I’ll ever find out…

I did find out my biological father is still alive. He is paralyzed. He lives 3 hours away from where I am now in a home. I’m hurt that this information was kept from me. I don’t understand why. I also found out in 2006 or 2007 someone called him pretending to be me. Why would someone do such a thing? The only person I can think that would do that is my mom. But why? That’s so messed up. 

My mom has disowned me and taken me out of the will. Aside from my ex husband I’ve never felt so hated in my life. How a mother can hate their child and keep them from their biological father I’ll never know. If it wasn’t for a friend of hers babysitting me when I was little he would have never gotten to see me. How awful can you be, seriously?

On the issue with my mother, I have no idea how to proceed. I’ve kept my distance since the incident that happened, but we are living under the same roof. It’s only so long you can live in the same house before running into each other. I’m not ready to see her. It will take awhile for me to heal these wounds. She will never apologize. I can bet my life on that. 

Pain and Taxes

Fortuntaly, the two aren’t related. The pinched nerve in my back is an 8/10 today. It’s debilitating. I can barely move, but when I don’t move I get more stiff and painful. I need to stay still for the heating pad. It’s a vicious circle. I need it to go away before Thursday. I’ve got that big job coming up and I won’t be able to do it feeling like this. I need this money, bad.

Got my last W2 and filed today. As soon as it comes in I’m going to pay off some of my oldest standing debts. I’m praying it helps my credit score. I need to start building it up more. There’s a lot going to happen in the next year that I need to help get that raised. Here’s to hoping I can recover and get all of this taken care of. 

Work and Promises

I’m gonna start off with the promises part because right now it’s really weighing on me. If you don’t know me or even you do, I’m just going to let you know now if you make a promise to me and you can’t keep it, 99.9% of the time I will immediately cut you from my life. I’ve wasted enough time in my life on utter bullsh-. I’m done. 100%. That’s it  that’s that. I’m sorry, but that’s just they way it has to be. I’m done with the half truths and whole lies. Or in the new age terms, “alternative facts.” If you can’t give me 100%, I’m not giving you 100% or even 1%. You’re simply not worth my time. If you don’t want to be with me, be my friend, or even be a decent human being, go. Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.

In other news, went in today to do my paperwork and schedule. In less than a week I’ll be getting down and dirty on a new store opening; pedal to the metal. I’m very excited. Other than that my alternator went out, I got it replaced, replaced the battery, snorkel hose and the air filter. Now I just need to air up my tires and change the oil. For the sake of anyone who may have their alternator go out, I’ve never had a car exhibit such strange behavior. Lol Wouldn’t start, then it would, then it would die again, start, wouldn’t shift, force shifted it, then it wouldn’t accelerate, & battery+engine+brake lights were on and flickering. The look on my dad’s face was priceless. I was ready to shove it off a cliff and truly thought it was the end. Lol

I spent the rest of my Christmas money. This past week I spent it all. I got quite the haul. I found a NICE Fossil purse that retails for over $200. I paid $25. I should post my haul from my Christmas money some time. I’m really very happy with it.

Going to the island tomorrow, so it should be a nice mini vacation day. Gonna chill out as much as possible before grind time. Still really want a full-time hospital job. :-/ I’ll keep applying. Right now I’m just considered temporary. 

Accepting Who I Am

I’m constantly battling myself, inside and out. Tearing myself to pieces, I yearn to look how I wish; I feel the inner turmoil consuming me. My body dysmorphia is destroying me. All the hate and disappointment I contain are solely focused on myself. I hate no one, and I’m not disappointed in a single person that has been or is in my life. It’s all me. I will say though that my body dysmorphia is a product of someone else and their hate and abuse towards me. 

One of the worst things that I can’t control are my dreams. Although in my dreams our attitudes towards each other are positive, I’d rather not dream of my past whatsoever. I’d rather dream of the present, of my future, or even fantasy. Which recently I have been having some pretty fantastic fantasy dreams; some even downright awkward. But, in the end, they’re very little distraction. I’m hoping my up and coming business endeavour will keep me distracted and preoccupied enough I can try and not focus on everything that’s becoming unbearable.

I’ve been having little breakdowns in the middle of the night. Insomnia plaguing me, I lay there thinking about the loss I’ve dealt with the last couple of years. The loss of life within myself. It was so painful. I cry over my babies. What could have been…what should have been. Although in some aspects we may not have been fully prepared or equipped, I don’t have a single doubt that everything would have been okay and take care of. It’s still hard for me. When I was going through the pain and the initial loss I would sit and cry on the couch or in the shower. Something precious was taken from me…twice. Since those days I have constantly felt I’m missing a piece of myself. All I would have to do is give him that soft look and he’d wrap me in his loving arms. He knew how awful and distraught I felt. I want nothing more than a baby right now to be honest. I’m ready. I’ve been ready. But, we have a lot of changes happening this year and even though I would love it, it would just be too much.

Do you ever get over it? Or does the pain only subside a little and that’s what you’re left with? I wish I could erase so much of myself. I wish I had someone to talk to that doesn’t have kids that can relate to what I’m going through. It just really sucks…

Struggling and Persevering

I’ve been struggling a lot with my depression and anxiety. I’ve tried little things to distract me, but to little or no avail. Next week I’ll be starting a huge store move and remodel for a little over a month. Hopefully, that will help keep my mind off things. I’ve gotta take my exam soon so that’s weighing a little on me, but that’s really not that big of a rush. I need to start writing more, getting things off my chest. I’ve been doing more and more house searching as well. I think I’ve found a few areas that really meet our budget which is great. Gotta go make the final touches and repairs on the other house and then pack up a bunch of stuff to get it ready to take pictures and show.

I’ve been keeping myself busy with working on my personal space. Keeping myself as comfortable and as calm as possible. Cleaning, tweaking, decorating, planning… I got an AeroGarden for Christmas and I really love it. I got a salt lamp as well and it has really help me feel more like myself. Like I have a little space to escape. I’d like to paint the room, but that’s NOT happening. There’s just too much to move or change to do that. In the very least I need to print out some pictures and hang them.

Hoping I continue to blog again. I’ve really been trying to focus on myself, my well-being.

A Month Later

Since my last post my  background check was pre-screened as approved and I was invited to my first interview in front of four people. I have passed the first interview and will now be investigated for 4-5 weeks. It’s been a week or so now and an investigator is supposed to contact me. Since learning I passed my interview I have started a temporary  job to hold me down until  I know I will be hired or not as a dispatcher. If not, I think my current job is going to make me permanent. We’ll see what happens. I kind of have other plans, but only time will tell.

New job is going great, everyone is awesome and although it’s mainly just cashiering I love what I do. I’ve been trying to keep the house neat and clean, but it’s been a little tiring. My TV was also broken, so that had to be replaced. I’m still upset because I loved that TV. It was my first ever TV I bought for myself. I still have it and I’m about 100% sure I’m going to get it fixed even though the repair cost is pretty much how much I paid for it. Oh well.

These last few weeks have been particularly tough with funds. My amazing parents are the only reason I’m able to afford gas and get to work and be able to get the things that I need. My insurance dropped me about a month ago even though there was no determination paperwork to be filled out. Still fighting this one. Wasn’t able to get my test strips nor my insulin. So yeah…eBay sales have been nil so there’s no extra help from there. My weight is still high and can’t really say why. There’s no explanation for it. I’m pretty close to just not eating at all. There are a few things I don’t voice that I’m upset about. Tomorrow I may, we’ll see.

Today I had serious brain fog. I first put my cell phone in the washing machine and started it. Just when I realized what I did I immediately stopped the water and pulled it out of the drum. It was covered in Tide…oops. After the clothes were done and I put them in the dryer I tried to start the dryer by pushing in the time dial. I literally almost cried. The prospect of something else breaking down was just too much right then. Luckily, I realized what the hell I was doing wrong. I can’t tell you how many times I actually  pulled that knob off either trying to figure things out. Thank goodness I have today and tomorrow off. Lord only knows what I would have done had I been working.

I better go figure out dinner. I’m sure he’s going to be getting hungry soon. I planned to make beef stew, but it’s too late to cook that. I have no desire to eat. It may just end up being spaghetti leftovers for him again…